


If I could, I would, I swear

by Wishful86



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Biphobia, Canon Compliant, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Mentions of self-harm, Prison mentions, References to her, Sexuality, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 14:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10924236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wishful86/pseuds/Wishful86
Summary: The fall out of recent stuff; Robert and Aaron argue and discuss the big issues.This is a song fic. My first one. I just heard George Michael's 'A Different Corner' on the radio and decided to give it a go. Hope you enjoy.





	If I could, I would, I swear

__**I’d say love was a magical flame  
I’d say love would keep us from pain  
Had I been there, had I been there**

 

“Aaron, I barely slept, ok?” Robert shouted, “I was worried about you every second of every day and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“So you jumped into bed with her?”

“No, Aaron, I-"

“Robert, you slept with her.”

“Because I wanted to forget everything for a moment,” Robert spat out, “Like you did with the drugs.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it? You wanted to block everything out, Aaron. Including me. And Liv. And your mum.”

“No, Robert, no, I wanted to block out the bad stuff so that I could be ok for you and Liv.”

“It didn’t feel that way, Aaron,” Robert looked at the floor, “You said we were no use to you.”

“I know,” Aaron conceded, after a brief tense moment, “And I’m sorry. But I was on drugs then-“

“So what?” Robert scoffed, “It shouldn’t have hurt? I should have just got over that?”

“No, no, that’s not what I am saying,” Aaron glared at him, “But did you even think to ask why I was on drugs? You just flung ‘self-harming’ at me and that was it.”

Robert couldn’t argue. 

 

__**I would promise you all of my life  
But to lose you would cut like a knife  
So I don’t dare, no I don’t dare**

 

“I’m sorry,” Robert said, running a hand down his face, “But I was angry, Aaron. I had to find out you were taking drugs from your little sister. It felt like you were throwing everything away.”

“I didn’t want to,” Aaron mumbled quietly, “I was trying to survive.”

Robert froze and looked across at his husband. 

He knew what it meant to try and survive. He knew self-preservation. 

Why could he not understand Aaron sometimes? He felt bile rise in his throat as he remembered that he’d called Aaron ‘weak’.

Aaron was far from weak. 

And Robert needed his strength. 

 

__**‘Cause I’ve never come close in all of these years  
You are the only one to stop my tears  
And I’m so scared, I’m so scared**

 

“You married me, Robert,” Aaron downed a glass of water and slammed it down on the sink, “You set up that whole day.”

To prove he was there. To prove that he could be there for Liv. To prove that he was faithful to Aaron. 

Robert knew he had torn it all down. 

Aaron span round to face him, “Why could you not talk to someone, Robert? You weren’t alone out here.”

“Because I didn’t have you,” Robert choked, “I didn’t have you, Aaron.”

His husband flinched. Clearly not expecting that answer. 

“I don’t know how to open up,” Robert carried on, “I spoke to Vic but she wanted me to talk to you-“

“So why didn’t you?” 

“Why didn’t you talk to me?” 

 

__**Take me back in time, maybe I can forget  
Turn a different corner and we never would have met  
Would you care?**

 

“Do you miss being straight?” 

They had ended up on the kitchen floor, backs to the cupboards, opposite ends. There had been no words for a while. Each lost to their own hurt. 

Robert looked up when Aaron spoke, confused, “What?”

Aaron sniffed, “Do you miss being straight?”

“I was never straight, Aaron.”

“You know what I mean.”

The eye-contact was painful. Robert had to break it. Had to stop the daggers to his chest. Had to stop the words from making him boil over. 

“I didn’t want to be gay, Robert,” Aaron’s voice was a whisper but Robert ears burnt, “I fought so hard against it. But, but Paddy, Paddy was right, I would never have found love or known a proper relationship if I hadn’t accepted it. I had to accept it.”

Robert’s heart clenched. He knew what Aaron was getting at. He knew. 

“I’m getting there, Aaron,” he mumbled. There was no point in arguing that he was completely ok with his own sexuality anymore. There was no point in lies now.

Aaron looked at him and frowned, “No, Robert, I- that’s not what I- I’ve made everything harder for you.”

Robert blinked, “Aaron, you-"

“You couldn’t even touch me in the visiting room.”

“That’s not your-"

“You’ve had relationships that worked before me, Robert,” Aaron interrupted, “You’ve loved before. You could have made it work with women. I could never have, I could- I don’t know the first thing about women.” 

The tension broke. If only for a moment. Enough for a small smile to play at their lips before the weight bore down again. 

 

__**I don’t understand it, for you it’s a breeze  
Little by little, you brought me to my knees  
Don’t you care?**

 

Robert stretched out his legs, puffed out a breath. He knew Aaron was watching him. It didn’t feel the same as before; less judgemental and more like a child trying to figure out the world. Perhaps, deep down, that’s what Aaron would always be. 

Perhaps, deep down, that’s what they both were; their journeys to adulthood completely screwed up. 

“I know, I don’t help,” Aaron stated, pulling his sleeves over his hands, “I know I need to be better.”

“I don’t help either,” Robert admitted, putting his chin to his chest. He closed his eyes and hoped that his next words would make sense, “I can’t promise that if I hadn’t met you, I would have come out.”

He could feel Aaron’s wince. 

“I have loved women, Aaron,” he continued, opening his eyes but fixing his gaze on the floor, “And maybe, I could have made it work but there would always been something hidden. I would have always been incomplete. And that isn’t a life. Not a proper one.”

He risked looking over at Aaron. He was surprised by the glassy, understanding eyes that met him.

“I would have always been alone,” Aaron nodded, he bit his lip, “It’s not easy keeping something hidden.”

“No,” Robert agreed. 

 

__**No, I’ve never come close in all of these years  
You are the only one to stop my tears  
I’m so scared of this love**

 

“I never had this before,” Aaron wiped at fresh tears, “This has all been new for me.”

“Me too,” Robert stated, giving Aaron a half-smile, “And not just because you are a man, Aaron. What I have with you- what I have with you, is deeper than anything.”

“I want to believe that,” Aaron’s voice broke and Robert hated it. Hated that his love was being questioned. 

Hated that it was his fault. 

He rose to his knees and started towards Aaron. He needed to be closer. He needed Aaron to see. 

The one, pure truth in all this mess was that Robert loved Aaron. 

Aaron shifted, almost immediately. Standing and moving backwards. 

 

__**And if all that there is this fear of being used  
I should go back to being lonely and confused  
If I could, I would, I swear**

 

“I’m tired, Robert,” Aaron took shaky breaths and fidgeted from one foot to the other. 

Robert wanted to hold him. 

“I- erm- I’m going to bed,” Aaron gestured to the spiral steps and moved towards them. 

“Aaron-what-" Robert didn’t know what to do. It couldn’t just be over?

“Robert, I’m tired,” Aaron repeated, gripping at the hand-rail like it was a lifeline, “The sofa is free.”

Robert watched him leave. 

The sofa was his lifeline. It was more than he deserved.

 

_**If I could, I would, I swear** _

 

Aaron curled up on the bed. Held his hand in front of his face and stared at his ring.   
If he could, he would, but he loved Robert. 

Robert curled up on the sofa. Held his hand in front of his face and stared at his ring.  
He swore that he would fix this. Whatever it took.


End file.
